"Grace silenced striving and called me son.”

- Craig B.

A reflection on the journey of accepting God's love and grace Seeing myself in the image of God

For years I struggled with finding my value and worth in what people thought of me and how well

I performed.This stemmed from a fear of rejection and ultimately led to perfectionism and pleasing

people. Where did it come from? Likely in my formative years, Being the youngest of four boys, I

did not handle rejection well, internalized it. I also learned that if one behaved well, then they were

a good boy, and that people liked nice people, people who would not make someone else mad...

Besides, wasn't it better to think of others than yourself? This led to a standard that I never thought

I was “good at anything.”

Therefore I sought to perform, to control, to please people, so that I would not be rejected.

Ultimately it was the sin of pride, but the idolization of self led to rejection being so crippling. I

hated confrontation. I became nice and lived to please, at my own expense. Work became

consuming as I became distraught that I was not a "good teacher" or good “insert whatever here!”

I was distant at home- constantly thinking about my performance if I was good enough. My value

because based off how well I felt I taught, or if I thought my students enjoyed the class. Decisions

became paralyzing choices, fear of making the wrong move. I felt like I had to be someone else.

This crippled me in so many ways and robbed me of the joy and Fellowship with Christ.

Thought I had to do for Christ, even as a believer understanding grace. I thought if things were

going bad, that it would be my fault- I was sinning somehow. At times I felt to act or do something a

certain way in order for God to move in my life. Faith became a performance and formula. I loved

Jesus. I just didn't know how to love him and be loved. As life’s storms hit- I thought God

abandoned me.

Ultimately God placed me in a storm, and through it, I felt like my mind had rebelled against me

and I didn’t know why. He brought me to a point where all I had was him. No escape- no distraction,

no safe harbor for pride, face to face with my sin of unbelief and pride.

But God.

By God’s grace he has restored and rebuilt me. Through the Acts 29 groups, he pastors, brothers,

sisters, my wife, and the Word Himself God has brought healing, freedom, and a sane mind. I

learned to preach the gospel to myself, to lay aside my false expectations, fight the lies, and to tell

the truer story instead of the one I was telling in my mind. It is the gospel of Jesus Christ. To be a

friend to myself , to believe God’s promises, and trust Him. In the search for significance , the Lord

spoke clearly through Titus 3:4-7 spoke clearly. Other brothers were a reminder that I was a

beloved son, in whom the Lord is well pleased!

It was a reshape of perspective, that when I was a sinner Jesus died on the cross for me, so

nothing I can do now can earn any more or less love from the Lord. I take my eyes off me and my

weakness, and focus on the goodness of God, His faithfulness, HIS mercy, His power. I don’t need

to be perfect because He is, I can be rejected because He is enough, and through that I can be

content in all situations. There is grace in every season for the Lord is always near!God is faithful. Looking back I am thankful for it all- the breaking and the pain Storms may come

and go and rejection may abound. But Jesus is with me,my foundation. Its still a journey. There are

still days of unbelief, but because he led me through that he will lead me through whatever may

come. All glory and honor and Praise to Jesus who makes that which is dead become alive!

-Craig B.