"He turned my mourning into dancing.”

- Brita S.

Around age 10 I was traumatically abused and unable to cope or process what happened to me. As a result, I was projected into severe depression and anxiety at a young age. I had no self-worth,  hope, or desire to live. I began to self-harm and use drugs and drink and wrestled with suicidal thoughts. I quickly went from a happy young girl to a hopeless young drug addict. Pretty soon I dropped out of school and ran away from home, living my life in hopes of a constant highs and blackouts to cover my misery. Fast forward to age 19 I was physically wasting away and some near dealth experiences gave me a wake up call to get sober. I went to rehab and and sobered up for a time but still carrying my burdens in my own strength. On the outside I was getting my life together but inside I was still without hope and full of darkness and depression. Looking back I can see the Lord working in it all to draw me to him and I can see my many trials as blessings.

Some years passed and I got married and had my first child and things came crashing down for me again. In Gods sovereignty, he had repressed the memory of the childhood abuse in my mind. I had buried it so deep inside that I had even forgot or was in denial of what had happened to me and how I got to the way I was. I had never told a soul about it and even hid it from myself. After the birth of my son the memory returned to me and stirred up my life in a horrible way. I began having panic attacks, my depression worsened and I was more or less unable to function as a human being, wife, or mother. I sought help from doctors and was taking medications for depression and was prescribed the maximum allowed dose of anxiety meds. Absolutely nothing helped and now I know it was the Lord showing me it was only Him who could save me. 

At the time I was working at Chickfila and was unintentionally surrounded by Christians. They loved me well despite the mess I was and I began to experience the love of God. My heart began to soften and I started to go to church when they invited me. I could never make it through a service at the time because I would have panic attacks and have to leave. I still needed to be purified but the Lord was working on me in His perfect timing. A friend took me to the store to buy a Bible and I was very slowly reading through the gospels. Fast forward a year or so and Covid hit and I was pregnant again. Unsure of the risk of working with the public while pregnant at the onset of Covid, I quit my job and my husband and I for no good reason got the idea to move to Florida and start a new life. (God's idea). We agreed we would go to church together to meet people and it would be good for the kids.

They say when you run away, you always take yourself with you. Running to Florida did not solve any of my problems and I was still suffering. Still using drugs and still hopeless. God was gracious enough to me to get me in the door of a church and be loved by his people. He gave me a hunger to read the Bible and I was experiencing the two edged sword of His word in my life. Shut up in my room sick with Covid and getting high I was reading the Bible and all of the sudden in the most unlikely of places the veil tore and I saw Jesus for who He really is. My Savior who gave his life in exchange for mine, his blood in exchange for my sins, his wounds for my healing, and who rose again to give me hope and a new life. Then and there I professed him as my Lord and my God and believed in him with my whole heart.

Within a few weeks I was at a prayer and worship night. Now I knew who Jesus was but He was going to show me what He does. I was still wrestling with demons, having a difficult time interpreting scripture the scriptures I was so hungry for, and darkness was still looming in my heart but the Holy Spirit was at work within me. During prayer ministry time I was crying out to God and telling him I would do whatever he wanted me to do and begging him to save me from the darkness I was experiencing in my mind and in my body. I heard someone say "people are going to get out of wheelchairs tonight" and right away I felt the Holy Spirit say Brita, you are getting out of your "wheelchair" tonight. In that moment God granted me the gift of faith and I did not hesitate and I ran and fell down in a chair to receive prayer. A woman prayed over me and I remember she said the words "Jesus, she is covered in your blood" and immediately I felt all darkness, despair leave me at once. In that moment I was delivered from demons, depression, and anxiety and baptized in the Holy Spirit. My body was limp and I rested and cried wrapped in the love of God and comfort of the Holy Spirit. I remember the joy of the Lord coming upon me and jumping dancing and singing to songs I didn't even know.

I had been born again and a new spirit given to me and since that night I have walked in freedom from anxiety, depression, and despair. The Lord had and still has many sanctifying trials for me but I will never again walk alone or hopeless through them because I am now a child of God and He is with me wherever I go.

When I look back on my life the only explanation ever is ONLY GOD! It is nothing I did or nothing I could have done that saved me. God's amazing mercy and grace has set me free.